Maybe I’m Not…..

In my last post I’d proudly announced that I was packing up and moving to Las Vegas. But guess what…..no. I don’t think I am. So let me explain….

4 years ago I hit a pretty low point in my life and what stopped me from doing something stupid…was a plan that…at the time…sounded great. That plan, was moving to Vegas.

In a pre-covid world, rent was cheap and the possibility of things getting worse were only a fantasy. I had discovered the world of the extended-stay weekly/monthlies out there. At time time…less than a grand a month could get me a studio near a grocery store with great bus access. I spent a lot of time planning and thinking about it. I’d save up money, get in one of these places, find work, get in a better place. Vegas offered everything I wanted; and none of it was related to the drinking and casino/gambling culture. It looked like the cost of living was reasonable and I could get by without a car. So I dreamed…I dreamed for two years. Shit got great, shit hit the fan, then shit really hit the fan. I had come to terms with the pandemic not just ruining that year’s vacation….but the idea that I the stuff I do for a living might not be anywhere in demand anymore.

I was angry, I was upset, but I came to grips with it. I lived the next two years of the pandemic just existing. I really didn’t plan for anything because everything had gotten flipped upside-down.

So earlier this month when the shit hit the fan yet again….I decided why not. Holy cow did that feel great. I was going. I knew there was work out there, tons of it; I’d have no problem finding it. Oh man..this is great. I’m finally going to be living in Vegas.

The excitement lasted a few days after I bought my ticket and started calling around. My looking for a place to live had been not so serious. I thought most of my previous research might still be valid. So I started doing more than just reading google reviews. I really dug around palaces for reviews. I was now at the serious enough to call phase…so I started calling.

I quickly was painted a picture that wasn’t very good. I had low expectations going in…I’m not an idiot and can read between the lines and backwards pretty well. But once I really started asking questions…holy cow. I quickly wondered if this was the type of life I wanted. I mean, I’ve dealt with dumps; but these places run the gamut from dumpster fires to prisons. One “Certified Crime Free Community” literally wouldn’t allow anyone on the property who hadn’t passed a background check. The buddy helping you move in? He’s gotta pass the check. Want to have someone over? They gotta pass a check. I mean it’s one thing to take steps toward crime prevention…but that’s crossing a line. It also has me thinking just how bad are the other places.

It’s also a money thing. I knew I was about broke when I made the decision suddenly. I assumed I had more available credit. I don’t. I mean…I could do it. I’d have…a month. One full month. And I can’t even assume I’ll get a full month’s pay in the amount of time needed with likely having to get on payroll and deal with pay cycles. $1500 is close to 80% of my available credit…and it’s maybe 2x what I have in the bank. I gotta have that money in the back to at least keep up minimums.

I also hit a point yesterday where any excitement and thrill died…and the information I was getting wasn’t helping. But even if I looked past that toward my bigger dreams…..I’m not sure if that’s really what I want. I’m not even sure of myself. It took a snap decision and getting down to the wire to suddenly get slammed by something. Every ounce of being in my body that wanted this…is now like “wait, we have a bad feeling.”

Maybe now is not the time. Maybe karma lined all that up but is now saying “wait, sorry. I fucked up and this doesn’t fit the way it should.” All I know is at one point all I wanted was to get up and leave; and for the last 2 weeks I’ve been absolutely happy about it…like my soul is about to be complete. Now I’m actually trying to talk myself out of it….maybe I just needed to face the idea to see the pieces just didn’t fit.

All I know is I have a headache. I’ve had a nasty headache and feeling sick to my stomach. The idea of having to tell everyone I’m backing out is more comforting than doing it. I mean…afterall…I did book an ecnonomy ticket on a flight that technically didn’t have any economy seats left…and I wasn’t paying for an upgrade. Maybe I’ll find myself “bumped” from the flight. Maybe I’ll be sleeping here…at home…when that supposedly happens.

Plus it’ll give me a good excuse to fly somewhere since I’ll have travel credit. I’d rather be out $300 on travel credits and pride than start defaulting on my credit and literally ruin my chances of accomplishing anything.